Reflecting on one’s personal life experiences, expressing self reflection through writing

To the girly who would copy others and have self identity issues, you have found yourself and continue to do so. To the girly who cared too much about the criticizing and judgemental commentary of others, you are at peace now. I have changed a lot within the years that I have lived by far, change is bound to happen because as one gets older everything is constantly changing around you. I believe sometimes it is hard for people to accept change or to initialize change but from my experience as I gained new information and shifted my focus on how I perceive things within my everyday life,  I’m currently becoming the version that I’ve painted myself to be. The space that I grew up in within my family wasn’t the healthiest that it could’ve been in the sense that I didn’t have a voice when it came to things that weren’t agreed upon and that even if my mother is in the wrong, I must obey her no matter what. There wasn’t space for me to grow as an individual and I was a clueless and naive person as my mom wouldn’t tell me the reality of how things really are perhaps depending on my age or that I wouldn’t be capable of understanding it so the topic wouldn’t be spoken about. Now things have gotten better thankfully, but I would mainly learn about many things from the exposure of the media to the people I’ve surrounded myself with and in some ways this was harmful but this was the only choice I had that I would tell myself at least. Whilst growing up I would learn about some of my personal interests but how I thought of myself and how others viewed me was the shy or “weird” big girl since I was surrounded by judgemental people who only judged by the eye. These people would only see my weight and just thought that I was a girl who enjoyed school and loved to consume a lot of food. I did find good people that genuinely wanted to become friends with me, but somehow I always thought that if I perhaps would lose weight that people would want to associate themselves with me more. When I look back at this, I just wonder why I believed that acceptance was everything and I shouldn’t have ever cared about others’ opinions because they never truly knew who I was or how I was at the end of the day. I struggled to understand what makes Raomi be unique to herself, and this caused me to take certain aspects of what I liked about others and try to copy them or be similar to them and just be considered “interesting” or liked more. I believed that all of these conflicts would then be resolved once I lost enough weight because those who fit into the idea of being slim or skinny were loved and given more attention, is what I thought at the time. So one day in the summer of 2019, I had found a nutribullet in my mother’s room and I went to her and told her “Mami yo no sabia que tenemos un nutri bullet wow que chulo!” (translating to mother I didn’t know that we had a nutri bullet wow how cool!). She then proceeded to say “Si moi se puede hacer batidas como jugo verde” (Moi is a nickname that my mom has for me, but this translates to yes moi smoothies can be made using this such as green juice) and so following the days after that my mom made some green juice and when I tried it I enjoyed the flavors of the many greens that she added such as cilantro to parsley and kale with the added spice of the lovely sour joy of lemon. There was no specific reason for this, but ever since that day she has been giving me green juice with a slice of bread every morning before heading to high school and in two months I have lost 50 pounds. I only began to notice when my clothes started to get too big for me to fit in them, and I saw my stomach progressively become smaller and every part of my body started to become smaller. I couldn’t explain the feelings of overwhelming emotions that took over me, because my whole life before this point I have tried so hard to lose weight but nothing was working for me. It was also just hard for me to stick to dieting because I savored food so much and it was hard to not eat large portions of food 3-5 times per day. In a way I was right as I noticed that people were giving me more attention, I received more compliments from people and people became more attracted to me because of this. But then it all backfired at the same time, because there were many people that were just astounded by how I lost so much weight in such a short amount of time that I then realized just the level of toxicity I was surrounded by. Staff members from my school didn’t recognize me and thought I was a different person, some people spread rumors saying that I got surgery or that I got covid. People thought that I starved myself to lose weight, and when I would tell people what I did they didn’t believe me. I simply ignored all of these actions and comments from other people, because that showed me that they didn’t care about me at all. I saw those who were real to me because even after I physically changed, that didn’t change how they perceived me as a person and they saw me for who I really am and I cherish those people with all of my heart. If it weren’t for pictures as memories of back then, I would’ve forgotten how my body looked and when I thought harder about it I don’t remember how my naked body looked at all, which is very unfortunate because it shows the stigma of not having the body standards that society deems to be the most attractive that I was accustomed to. If I were able to go back in time, I would give myself a hug and tell myself that there is no need for people acceptance, just stay true to yourself and your existence is a pure bliss in itself and so powerful that if others didn’t appreciate you, there’s love all around you so its okay you just couldn’t see it but I promise it’s there! I just think to myself that those who are negative in this way need to work on themselves, because from being negative you don’t gain anything beneficial to yourself ever but dig yourself down to a deeper pit. I was then introduced to the concepts of self love and acceptance, to be a humbled individual, gratefulness, mind-fulness, the belief of spirituality and all of the beautiful practices that follow, and with all of these topics I have developed into someone who finds the beauty within many things and is grounded with nature, love, and peace. The idea of romanticizing your life is also something that allows you to take in every moment you have and find something precious about what you are experiencing in that very moment. I believe we all have a purpose here, and although I would hope to be able to create a change to help massive amounts of people I believe we all should experience the love that we have all around us and try to find our inner peace. If possible, find joy and immense pleasure in even the smallest things that you may like or find it to attract to your heart and soul and worship them as much as you can. I truly love the person that I have become and will continue to evolve into something greater as time surpasses, and I am proud of how far I’ve come to discover myself and I adore the process of doing so. In seeing how my mindset has progressed, I have been journaling for years ever since 2017 and I love to read my past entries and my voice has changed only in good forms of course. I will continue to grow and evolve as a being and I will flow with eternal love and greatness.